In the past, I've talked about the physical changes, the weight loss and the re-discovery of life, but I've yet to share the changes that occurred just below the skin. So let's take a walk, not on the wild side, but on the deeper side of me. (Wink)
As I look back over the last two years, I remember viewing the world as a very negative and mean place. I lived each day emotionally locked in survival mode, always questioning.
How can I find the desire to live? How am I going to get through the day? Why is God even allowing me to live, and, what do I contribute to the world? Why do I exist?
I tell ya friends; I lived in an ugly world for a long time. It was so dark that the only time I felt any comfort or relief was when I was shoveling a burger into my mouth. Can you relate? Does this sound like you?
Well, it doesn't have to be. You can get your life back--I'm living proof.
Today, I'm a new man. The changes that have transpired inside of me, though they started by losing a few pounds, are truly the fruits of a renewed soul. I'm a better me for having taken the first steps towards a better me, if that makes sense, and for finally taking a chance on me.
I've lost well over three hundred and thirty five pounds, yes, but it was the confidence gained by TRYING that renewed my spirit, allowing me to view life differently. Every day I wake up with a positive approach to life, not because of the scale but because I believe in the blessing of second chances--better yet, I believe in the God of second chances too.
God is no longer a bigger-than-life mystery to me anymore. He's real. I felt him with me in my darkest hour. When nobody else could bare to enter my sad-sad world, God did.
Now let me be honest here. At my lowest point, I hated God. Honestly, I no longer even believed in him. So, if you are at your lowest point right now, understand this--I know where you're at. I know how dark and lonely the room you're locked in is, so, I'm not going to try and convince you God will save you, because I know you can't believe it--not right now anyway. What I'm asking today is that you believe in yourself. Believe in that glimmer of a reflection, the real you, I know you can still see, though disfigured at the moment. Give him/her a second chance. (*) Then wait and see what happens!
We're all on a journey; to see and feel all that life has to offer. There's so many wonderful experiences for us to enjoy. But you can't experience it while you're squatting in the darkness. You must step out into the light! Positive energy attracts positive energy just like negative thoughts and outlooks will point you in the wrong direction. If you are now where I was two years ago, then you know which direction is the wrong directions. You know which steps brought you to where you are now. Don't repeat them. Do an about-face.
We are here on this earth for only a short time, and though I don't claim to know what happens after this time on earth ends, I do know we're here to live like one family. It doesn't matter what you look like, what color your skin is or weather your wealthy or poor. We're family and family shares everything--love, life, the planet and its beauty--so look deep into that mirror, into that soul, and learn to like you! See yourself as God sees you--the most beautiful of all his creations. Once you do that, like any other good relationship, you'll learn to love YOU as well. Then maybe, just maybe, what I wrote above (*) will make more sense to you.
OK, Rev Dan has finished his sermon for the day. (wink) Remember--see the beauty, feel the love. Can I get a "AMEN" my beautiful brothers and sisters?
PEACE.
Dan
Hello friends. I realize it's been a while since I last wrote, and I hope you can forgive me as I promise to not make it so long of a wait next time. Much is happening in my life--new directions, new people, and new relationships. Life is wonderful and always an adventure. And speaking of life's adventures, I'd like to share a current happening with you.
(Left: The fields of Antietam Battlefield)
As we all know, the game of life is often a battle, and over these past two years, I have rediscovered Dan (ME). And to my amazement, I have come to even like/love Dan Hawthorne.
(Bare with me now as I get art-see-fart-see on you and speak about myself in the third person.)
Because Dan's a good guy, I want only the best for him. I've seen him overcome some big obstacles, which have allowed him to grow as a man, and regain confidence in himself. He deserves to be happy. He's most diffidently on his way, however, he still has a long ways to go and there are many challenges he has yet to face. But he understands that with God's help, he will conquer them. He will make it happen.
(OK, although therapeutic, that was a bit creepy so lets just sit down and have a normal chat like old friends.)
Every day, I have to push myself to try new things, and in doing so, I've learned more and more about myself. I've discovered my once overweight and under-spirited self can actually do a lot more then I'd ever imagined. Yet, even still, renewed thinking does not come easy for me. Though I've lost well over 330 pounds, I find that I often think like a 625 pound man. When I see stairs, I instantly wonder: Where's the escalator? When I order food, I fret it will not be enough! This journey has not come without it's challenges, both physically and emotionally, but my newest obstacle--the tackling of fears and reprogramming of thoughts--is proving to be my hardest yet.
No more--I can't. I want to hear--I will try.
So, as most of you know, I'm in the process of writing a book with my author and partner in crime Patricia Garber (a.k.a Trish to those who love her). Well, recently, on one of her visits, we went out for a walk around our (Maryland's) beautiful Antietam Civil War Battlefield, just outside of Hagerstown--where I live.
It was a warm clear morning, and as we're walking, Trish was busy giving me one of those writing 101 lessons. You now the kind meant to help new writers (Me) learn how to use all five senses, by asking them what they smell and what they hear, and then request they write about it later.
(The first time she did this, I thought, I got this one. This is easy. Then you actually start to talk about what the other person is hearing and feeling, and you realize you missed more than you think! Try it some time, you'll be amazed.)
Anyway, as we'd been walking for quite a distance, and the road around the park seemed to go on forever, I becoming a bit worried. I could see no end in sight, and I mean, I'm in pretty good shape but I still have some ankle issues that act up and walking on hard surfaces can be difficult. So, right away, my old way of thinking took over and I began to worry that I was pushing myself to hard. That I was too out of shape to finish the walk.
Trish, unaware of my condition, kept walking, talking, and I just kept following--heart racing. After awhile, we had stopped at an old cemetery along the route and some tourists from NYC were there. They looked not just at us but behind us, as if pondering something important. Then asked why we were walking when most drive? The park is over 11 miles, they said. Did we know that?
Good question!!
"I don't think this road winds back around to the visitor center, Trish." The old me questioned whether I could go the distance but my author just shrugged it off with a quick, "We'll be fine," and kept going.
Lord help me!!
As my anxiety rose, I distracted myself by sharing my story with the chatty tourists and giving out a card or two. ( I hope they're reading this now!) With my eyes on the road up ahead, and how it curved away from our final destination my mind continued to spin with horrible doubts. Questions like, Can I even make it? What if Trish has to walk back alone, get the car and then come and get me? Because the big guy can't make it!!!! OMG. Shoot me now!
I tell you, when these fears kicked in, it transported me back by two years and all my old insecurities haunted me. Instantly, I was living in the days when I would have my wife (at the time) scout out restaurants with larger than average booths--just so that I could fit! And when this craziness happens, the only option one is faced with is to force one's self to focus on the now and not the then. You have to ask you're how, how do you really feel?
I feel strong--that's the now not the then talking. I feel healthy, like I could walk a marathon-- that's for sure the now and not the then! I feel great so great in fact that I could run a marathon.
So, if this was how I truly felt, what was holding me back? ME! My mind not my body. I realized I'd changed my body but I had not changed my thinking. Now was the time to do something about that.
Run, run, run, the thought began to spin. And as we walked a bit further, I could now see the road winding back to the right, back towards the main road and the visitors center. As if reading my internal thoughts, with out a word Trish picked up the pace and I instantly followed.
Run, run, run. Could I really do this? After all, it wasn't so long ago that the mere act of walking was a task for me. The idea of me running would never have entered my mind, and in fact, I would never have even considered it possible--until now (wink).
As we continued at a fast pace walk, enjoying the beauty of Antietam and the spicy scent of the exotic plant species growing in the West Wood area, just north of Dunker Church (Writer 101. I'm catching on!), I could finally see the finish line. I walked a little faster. This time, Trish followed me. Sensing she wanted to go a little faster still, and since I'd come this far, I thought, what the heck and gave it a little extra effort. I began a real slow jog, and again, Trish followed.
I felt no pain, no strain. My body just did as I asked of it!
Good LORD above I'm jogging! I was actually jogging. I hadn't jogged in thirty plus years and now here I was doing it at the Antietam Battlefield. Excited, I began to explain to Trish what a huge day this was for me and that she was actually taking part in something I thought I would never do again. I'm not only jogging but I'm jogging and talking at the same time! I didn't even realize I had such stamina and I was so amazed and so happy that soon that slow jog wasn't enough. I wanted to give it all I had!
Completely out of the blue, and with absolutely no fear, I sprinted to the end of the road. I was running! I was on top of the world. I felt like a gazelle running in the park. I had achieved yet another milestone in my journey. What a wonderful amazing moment that was, a moment I will never forget. (Thank you Trish for being part of it. I'm glad I did not share it alone.)
Looking back over these past two years, there have been many exciting milestones and events. And as I'm sitting here typing this, I am a bit teary eyed. To think, just two years ago, I was ready to pack it in and face my maker. I honestly never thought I would see or feel happiness again. I never thought I would appreciate life and all the wonderful beauty it can offer us. Not so long ago walking took all the effort I had, and even then I could barely get from my house to the car without the help of a cane. Now, here I am telling you--I ran. I RAN! Can you hear what I'm telling you friends? I RAN! What an amazing gift good health can be. I am such a happy and very lucky man.
Please, never give up on yourself and always believe that you can achieve what once seemed unreachable. That anything is possible.
And since I love movie quotes, I'll end this blog with the only quote that comes to mind: "Yo Adrienne, I did It!"
PEACE
Dan
